You're probably trying to sell the wrong thing

Apple doesn't sell computers or phones.

They sell pieces of the future.

That's why people buy them.

That's why their competition can't actually compete with them and keep making ads that suggest they make phones or computers or whatever as good or better as Apple does.

Well fine, who knows, maybe they do. But nobody cares because that's not what Apple was selling in the first place.

There's a reason people called the iPhone the Jesus Phone, both fans and haters. Because that's how people felt about it. Like they were holding something completely unrelated to a phone. They weren't holding technology. They were holding something spiritual, something they'd assumed was unattainable.

And the haters saw this and mocked them for thinking so highly of a phone. As if it had anything to do with making calls.

They were holding a piece of the future in their hands, and everything else seemed like an antique in comparison.

Blackberries, by contrast, aren't selling you the future. And they're certainly not selling you a phone, either. They're selling you professionalism and formality. That's why people buy them, because it's the closest thing you'll ever get to having a corner office downtown.

And that's why when Blackberry tried to compete with the iPhone they failed miserably. Who the hell wants a shiny bit of technology from them? Nobody. In fact, Blackberry trying to sell the future is off-putting at best.

So when Microsoft says, hey, don't buy a Mac, you can get the same functionality from us, for cheaper, you can do the same things with a PC, it just sounds empty. It doesn't mean anything.

Why? Because Microsoft is selling efficiency and cost, and Apple is selling the future.

People buy PCs because they can't afford to buy the future, or aren't interested in owning it. Or they think that Apple trying to construct the future just makes their products cumbersome and overly flashy (to the detriment of user-experience).

So what are you selling? If you describe your business as selling a product or a service, you're probably doing it wrong.

HOW-TO Unfriend IRL

So I've already showed you how to unfriend people on Facebook, how to remove Twitter followers, and how to make your coworkers not like you, but how do you unfriend people in real life?

It's easy to get people to stop talking to you anymore -- just make them enemies. But that's indelicate and can make things overly awkward. What if you're forced to see them again? Wouldn't you prefer that they just feel uncomfortable around you and want to leave the party?

Step 1: Delay responses to their messages.
As you know them personally, they're probably still friends with you on Facebook. If they write on your wall, or send you a message, or even just email you, make sure you take at least two days to respond. When you do, write something like, "Sorry, been busy." Then write a very brief, straightforward response to any question they've asked. Do not ask about them.

Avoid emoticons. They send mixed signals.

Step 2: Openly *not* invite them to things
Obviously you've stopped inviting them to social engagements by now, but if they don't know they haven't been invited they won't get the point. Make the event public on Facebook, post it to your profile, but do not invite them. If they ask, respond with, "Sorry, missed your name in the list." And nothing else.

Step 3: Always have another thing
They may invite you to an event or two, in an effort to maintain the friendship they treasure and see breaking down before them. But always have another thing. If you're talking to them on the phone, sound sincerely disappointed you can't make it to their event, but offer no suggestion of rescheduling, and do not invite them to your event. This can be difficult, but you'll know it's worth it by the quiver of grief in their voice.

Step 4: Prefer strangers
If you see them at a party, be obvious about being more interested in meeting new people than spending time with an old, still emotionally invested friend.

Step 5: Pretend nothing's wrong
This is the final, and most important step. Pretend you haven't changed, they have. If they ever ask what's going on between you two, make sure you frame every response as if you've been the one hurt. If they ask why they weren't invited to your party, say, "I was just getting the impression you wouldn't be interested."

This will deeply confuse and hurt them.

Soon, they'll stop asking at all.

New Landlord Lou! (Shameless Work-related Plug)

Plug for work stuff:
We just launched the new Landlord Lou site and videos for Killam Properties. It's really funny, I promise: Book Now or Live in a Dump!

My previous favourite Landlord Lou campaign, "Blockbusters," is here: http://www.landlordlou.ca/blockbuster/

HOW-TO Make friends at the office -- UPDATED

So I've already told you how to dress business casual at work, and now it's time to throw down a little wisdom about making friends at the office.

It can be a grueling thing to do, as most people are kind of, well, boring, you know?

But it's important to try because someday you might need them for something. Like money or drugs.*

Step one: Assert yourself.

Find someone in upper management whose personality you find abrasive and show them what's what. When they try to be nice and ask you if you'd like to join them and their colleagues for lunch, say, "yeah.... not so much."

Then they'll know that you make the calls around here. They won't make the same mistake again.

Step two: Be a little coy with the women.

Some days the office will be a little quieter while your coworkers are out "making deals," or sleeping in. If you sit near a member of the opposite sex, make sure you respond to their comments about how quiet the office is by saying, "yeah, there's no one here to hear you scream."

The silence is golden and laced with friendship.

Step three: Have priorities and make sure people know them.

If anyone asks you a work-related question, make sure you say, "shhhh, I'm watching a YouTube."

Step four: Don't listen a single thing I say.

Seriously, I've done every one of these things and @a__money and @pirie can attest that it's not helping in the friend-making department. But what would those jerks know?

*Like alcohol or Benylin Night

UPDATED: @a__money reminded me of another piece of advice I should pass along:
Step five: Know how to put people in a good mood.

People can be a little testy on Monday morning, so make sure you're able get the day off to a great start. I recommend having a "pump up" song to get everybody smiling as you set off on another busy week. Here's the song I play a few times a day to make sure office morale stays high.

I really just do this to get famous

Step number one complete: Mentioned in the Financial Post.

Neat.

My Hiring Announcement

I don't normally talk about my day job here specifically, but I thought this would be cool to show you.

Colour, my new employer (yes, the website is a single page of Flash... I know.) has announced my hiring and @pirie's appointment to Vice President, Social Media using a social media news release. Traditional press releases are difficult to parse if you're just looking for some quick facts or quotes or pictures, are annoying to post to social networks (as they're so often just PDFs), and are typically lenghty reads when you're just trying to find out what the main point is.

So Colour is now doing all their news releases as social media releases. Check out the latest, "Social Media Growth at Colour Leads to Promotion and New Hire."

HOW-TO Dress "Business Casual"

I wrote a guest post over at the lovely @aliasgrace's blog East Coast by Choice about how to dress "business casual" for your office job.

2) Jeans. Notice I didn’t says “pants,” or “bottoms.” This is non-negotiable. If you’re not wearing jeans don’t whine about not being comfortable: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG. Jeans = comfort. Except if you accidentally buy jeans with a button-fly at the Gap because you’re terrified of clothes-shopping and store clerks and dressing rooms and taking your pants off. If that happens (I have this friend who says it can happen and that you shouldn’t judge him!) then you’re in trouble and you’ll only wear them when your other jeans are dirty or something, or you can’t find them because they’re lost in the pile of dirty clothes and sadness somewhere on the carpet of your bedroom floor. Where was this going?

Go check out "Joel Kelly’s guide to dressing sensibly in an office environment."