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My name's Joel Kelly and I live in Halifax, NS.

I'm a 20something guy doing digital and social media strategy for a Halifax-based marketing agency.

I'm a vegan nerd and marketing asshole.

You should follow me on Twitter.

Contact me about whatever (like, say, your marketing questions) at

Saturday, March 21, 2009

HOW-TO Make friends at the office -- UPDATED

So I've already told you how to dress business casual at work, and now it's time to throw down a little wisdom about making friends at the office.

It can be a grueling thing to do, as most people are kind of, well, boring, you know?

But it's important to try because someday you might need them for something. Like money or drugs.*

Step one: Assert yourself.

Find someone in upper management whose personality you find abrasive and show them what's what. When they try to be nice and ask you if you'd like to join them and their colleagues for lunch, say, "yeah.... not so much."

Then they'll know that you make the calls around here. They won't make the same mistake again.

Step two: Be a little coy with the women.

Some days the office will be a little quieter while your coworkers are out "making deals," or sleeping in. If you sit near a member of the opposite sex, make sure you respond to their comments about how quiet the office is by saying, "yeah, there's no one here to hear you scream."

The silence is golden and laced with friendship.

Step three: Have priorities and make sure people know them.

If anyone asks you a work-related question, make sure you say, "shhhh, I'm watching a YouTube."

Step four: Don't listen a single thing I say.

Seriously, I've done every one of these things and @a__money and @pirie can attest that it's not helping in the friend-making department. But what would those jerks know?

*Like alcohol or Benylin Night

UPDATED: @a__money reminded me of another piece of advice I should pass along:
Step five: Know how to put people in a good mood.

People can be a little testy on Monday morning, so make sure you're able get the day off to a great start. I recommend having a "pump up" song to get everybody smiling as you set off on another busy week. Here's the song I play a few times a day to make sure office morale stays high.


Ben said...

Say 'throbbing' a lot.

Joel Kelly said...

Yeah, that's a pretty good one too :) I use the word "sexfully" a lot, too, and people seem to enjoy it.

Chris Van Patten said...

Thank goodness I have Joel Kelly to give me all the information I need. I'll be an executive before you know it!

Joel Kelly said...

Don't worry, this will all be in eBook form soon enough that can be a purchased for a very reasonable price of all your money.

Racquel Valencia said...

This all sounds very Joel-esque... I especially love #2, mainly because I can picture exactly what you must look like when you say "no one will hear you scream".

I may have just LOLed a little bit.

Joel Kelly said...

Haha, yeah, I'd say you know me well enough to know how I'd deliver a line like that :)

michelle said...

i used to pretend to be all normal, but at this job, i showed my crazy pretty early on ... i don't drive over bridges and don't touch my stapler!!

i prefer this as my pump up song ... it was the "get out of bed and shine our shoes you stupid freshmen" song in my dorm during frosh week 1992 ... it makes me all stabby!

Joel Kelly said...

It's important to set reasonable expectations early on, isn't it?

Great pump up song :) Might have to blare it loudly at work tomorrow.